one week off…one week off from tests, surgeries and doctors. Then why am I feeling so sad? I awoke yesterday almost elated, it was koninginnedag, Queen’s day in the Netherlands…one big flea market, one big feast. I have loved the 30th of April since I arrived on these shores 10 years ago. I looked forward to this special day every year, this year no different. No, wait! YES, BIG difference…this year I’m sick-Suzie, so different from all the other years. I wake up every morning now in pain…pain in my left shoulder, pain from cancer itself. Was it possible to put the pain behind me for this one day? Get a boost of energy to troll the streets of my town for bargains, and the next town over? You bet!! After my hand-full of pills we set off early for the vast amounts of second-hand stuff lining the streets of Veendam. It was heaven!! I completely forgot my pain, I walked around happy and free. I found bargains, I felt normal. As the day wore on, so did my energy level. I was exhausted…Wilfried and I completed our lovely day with a super BBQ, the Dutch weather more gorgeous every single day….
After a horrible night of not sleeping and waking up in pain, every part of my body hurting, I realize life will never be the same. This is my new life, chasing health, running after exhausting pain. I hashed over the coming weeks over and over last night…how will I cope with it all?…will I ever look forward to things again? Will my entire life remain in the shadows of cancer? I want to be normal for Wilfried, for myself. I want to be strong during my surgery, my chemotherapy. Others have, will I also be?? I know I will change…I will be the new me, the me with a heavy history.
Each and every sunny, gorgeous day mocks me now…I want rain, I want misery, I want cold…I want to get this cancer out of my body…I want to get the opportunity to be the new improved Suzie….Suzie-sunshine as my old friend Filippa used to call me…then and just then can I appreciate and enjoy the sun. Today I’m sad for this week off….let’s get this show on the road…let’s kick cancer’s ugly ass.
I have every faith that you will indeed kick cancer in the ass. At the race yesterday, I couldn’t help but get you a pink t-shirt that says “Fight Like a Girl”, so I will post it this week.
Love you xx
thanks you J…I appreciate you….everything counts in kicking breast cancer’s ass!
Happy Koninginnedag plus one day! You can kick it Suzy… of course you can… don’t be daft… it ain’t going to get the better of you. Just take it one day at a time. xx
Suzy, you can do, don’t be daft lass, of course you can kick this cancer. It is difficult but you’ve got your surgery date now and you’ve all your friends rooting for you. Just take it one day at a time. Catherine xx
good for you for giving yourself a ‘Sad Week’!! i’m serious!!! this whole journey is about processing a wad-load of emotions and the only true way to completely heal is by going thru the various emotions you’re feeling when they hit you… then you’ll have them released by the time you need more energie for the next wave…
one thing i know for sure, you are an outstanding nurse & professional in medicine, it is your passion & your pride in all its glory…so, how about this? be your best nurse to yourself, sick suzie, and you will soar! i know you will, because you already are…
just be, and embrace the sad days for now…HUGS!
carol
Suz…this is indeed a roller coaster of emotions! Give yourself that time to process, it is all about waiting, hoping, not feeling great but then feeling somewhat better. You learn to cope with those feelings and then finally!! its behind you!!! And you learn to really appreciate those days when you do feel somewhat normal and you also learn to give in to those days you don’t feel great. You just give yourself that time to heal and continue to fight, not just physically but mentally as well. I am always telling other women who have gone through cancer…get mad! Fight like hell!!! Its ok to be sad and its ok to wonder how life will change. Life is all about changes anyway and we all get changes wanted or not. Its what we do with those changes that matters. And I know you will be the best at coping with these changes and coming out as an even better Suz!
Martha, I think a lot of this has to do with loss of control. I’ve always had control over my life, my decisions, everything…whether I made good decisions was on me and me alone. Now I’m obliged to hand my life and my body to others…bloody tough to do!! Everything that happens is dependant on others…GOD i HATE that!…but, as my wise huisarts (gp) told me last week..”Susan, you’re a great nurse, but you’ve got a new job..you’ve got to be THE best patient you can be”…I’m trying, I’m trying……
thanks Martha for your insight…I need it…I guess I need permission to get angry at all this!!! I want so bad to be normal that I’m fighting every day for it!!…love you, girl!
I echo what everyone else has said here- *hugs*